he knew my secrets & I knew his

I've already mentiond David Meredith's bequest of 3 art works. there was something else.

last week I rec'd in the mail from his sister 5 spiral bound notebooks -- David's private journals from 1976-80. in the front of each he'd written: "In case of eventuality, turn these journals over to Alex Gildzen."

these past 3 days that my malady slowd me down I had little energy so took to the livingroom a la Madame Recamier & began to read his words. the first journal is missing so we jump into his life. but having been there I knew our location.

let me say that over the 33 years of our friendship we did a great deal of conversing. there were long drives from Kent to Provincetown as well as many other trips. & after my move west every time I stayd at David's we'd be up every nite talking. neither of us held anything back. so there were fewer revelations than one mite expect in the 4 journals I've read so far. but there is all manner of forgotten moments -- during a trip to NYC together I took him to Ira Joel Haber's loft to meet the artist   one time when Jean-Claude van Itallie visitd we took him dancing at American Bar in Akron. that sort of thing.

the reading isn't always easy   esp when he reflects on my battle with alcoholism. there are times when he's hard on all his friends but it's what he felt at a certain time.

in my long life I've been blessd with a handful of friends who made a real difference. my friendship with David was deep & true & I still miss him so much that reading these words often had me in tears.

I remember a couple of years ago I sd in a phone chat with David "I love you." he seemd quite startld. don't remember his exact response but it was quizical. my response was that we were in a stage of life when our future wasn't promisd & it was important to tell the people we care abt that we do care abt them. 8 days after Dad died David calld & toward the end of the conversation he sd "I love you." it was the only time he ever sd that to me. I knew he meant it & I knew he knew we'd never speak again. 19 days later he died.

but in a way he is speaking to me again. thru the journals. I feel the greatest honor that he enthrustd his most private writing to me.