memory holds only so much

a large part of my past is reclaimd thru photographs. I've been around so long that some moments seem "real" only when I have a photo as proof.

when I last visitd Kent my old pal David showd me one of his albums which had pictures taken at my Twin Lakes house. it was a pool party. Mary & Jake Leed were there. I'd never seen the pictures before & had absolutely no memory of the event.

today Ira Joel sent me one of his welcome packages. he sends old magazines & postcards & clippings. this time he also sent this:


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I recognize the place as the loft he had on West 27th but I have no memory of the event. it obviously was a dinner & I can recall several of those over the years. it's strange to have such a document. since it's a polaroid I probably saw it only after it was taken & never again in the intervening decades. I'm amazd by all the hair. & how serious I look. but I'm more amazd at how much I've lost. as I continue working on Alex in Movieland I find item after item that exists only in documentation. friends have returnd old letters in which I wrote of things which are gone from memory.

before you tell me I need to think abt going to an institution let me assure you that I still remember a great deal. & the mental stretching that's gone into working on the autobiography has brought back enormous detail. but there is a loss & that sometimes creates sadness.