feeling good at 74

at the gym this ayem I was showering. a tap on the shoulder. an elegant man in his 50s with an exotic accent told me

 I have "a perfect body." he steppd back & lookd me up & down -- then added "even the feet."

in love with a dead man

a cute boy usher leads Mae Marsh in a large hat down a theater aisle. walking behind her is an actor playing her husband. he has a stiff collar & stern look. she takes her seat while he accepts a program from the boy. he sits beside her. they exchange words. & the quick scene is over.

the actor is Walter Miller (1892-1940). the film is D. W. Griffith's "Brutality" (1912). I encounterd the clip in a bit of Bill Morrison's documentary on the astonishing discovery of a cache of silent films buried for years in a swimming pool.




the whole experience is only seconds long. but as I first saw it that man spoke to me. over the decades his being made contact. & it was so powerful I was undone for a spell. I playd the clip again & again.  then I lookd him up. after a career as a leading man in silents he became a villain in Poverty Row serials. his later self looks a bit bloatd & not as mysterious as those seconds of him as a beauty. I see him sitting with his precise attire & head cockd. he doesn't appear to be acting. he is simply being. & it's strong & disquieting. I want to know more abt him.  I want him to lean toward me & whisper his secrets.

walk down the aisle Walter Miller. sit beside me Walter Miller. talk to me Walter Miller.

I will continue my day. I will eat some of this & drink some of that. I will look at art on walls & words on page. I may talk to myself. & I may talk to Walter Miller who died before I was born. I don't know how long he will stay in my life. maybe just this week. maybe forever. he isn't the first mysterious man to unnerve me & hopefully won't be the last. but how thrilling on a simple sunday to have such a man walk into yr life & for just moments upset it.

channeling Edna May Oliver

(photo by Dennis De Groot)

"In This Heat"

happy to have the first year of Palm Springs poems available in a book done with John Dorsey. it's available here. only 100 copies. so order one now.

Houston

the ultimate rain poem

comments

tonite I found a batch of comments all new to me.

when I moved I changed e-mail addresses. there were so many things to do I never went into my blog settings to change the address in the section on forwarding notice of comments.

so if you wrote & I didn't respond I'm sorry.

rant against the "president"

I do that frequently on Facebook. however not so much here. but day after day of evil from this idiot is wearing me down & infecting all my actions.

I wake up every morning hoping to read his obituary.

Triangle Inn

my idea of Hollywood

a Facebook friend just postd some screen captures of the William Holden episode of "I Love Lucy."  so I watchd that classic show again & laughd as deeply as I'm sure I did as an 11 year old.

when I lookd it up I saw its original showing was on 7 feb 55. that's a month after the first episode of "So This is Hollywood."  I've written before abt how influential that sit com was on my notion of what Hollywood was.

so the short-lived Mitzi Green series & the Hollywood episodes of "I Love Lucy" came together to inform my young mind abt the movie capitol of thw world.

after I grew up -- & startd visiting Hollywood regularly -- things changed. however on my walks of those old neighborhoods I'd think of Queenie picking oranges every time I passd a group of bungalows straight out of that series. & I bet that the first time I went to the Brown Derby on Vine I rememberd Bill Holden as I orderd Cobb salad.

in some ways Hollywood for me will always be that mythical place that it was when I was 11.

Jeanne Moreau (1928-2017)

I've told these tales before but for the record here they are again:

1) in 1984 I attended the AFI salute to Lillian Gish. after the ceremony I went over to the head table which the silent screen star shared with a circle of powerful & talentd women of cinema. & there I was face to face with Moreau. I don't recall all I sd to her but I do remember asking abt distribution of her Gish documentary. seeing Gish & Moreau together was a stunning moment.

2) exactly 5 years later I was sitting in Plaza del Triunfo in Seville when Moreau & some male pals sat at a nearby table.  I wasn't close enuf to hear any of their conversation but it evident they were all enjoying each other. when they left I went to her table. at her place was her crumpled cigaret pack. altho I abhor smoking I took the pack. I needed a souvenir to bring back to my friend David Meredith. "Jules and Jim" was his favorite film. so when I got back I gave him the pack. I suspect it got tossd after David's death.

on the rocks

Dana Point

Crystal Cove

Big Bear

I moved to Palm Springs a bit over 14 months ago. yesterday I returnd from my first vacation since the move.

Dennis De Groot drove us to Lake Arrowhead for lunch then to the cabin of our host Brian Webb & his companion Rolando Ramos in Big Bear Lake. it was a lovely respite from the valley's heat wave.

Dennis & Brian

with Luis Osuna (photo by Dennis)

one year ago today

I closed on the condo & put the key in the front door for the first time.

in just a year I transformd the place into mine. it feels as much like home as any place I've lived.

for almost 45 years

I've told the story of the nite I kissd Ava Gardner's hand. it's in The Year Book & Alex in Movieland. it's one of my favorite Hollywood tales.

today I encounterd for the first time a photograph taken that nite.

I was immediately overwhelmed & have been all day. on this sultry nite as I swam alone in the closest pool it was all Ava. that image. there she is again in the tux I've described again & again.

& it gave me hope. maybe after all somewhere out there is the photo Timothy Greenfield-Sanders took of me with Lois Wilson at the Beverly Hilton. & what if David Hockney never destroyd the drawing he did of me in Paris. & maybe those pictures Kevin McCollister took of me in the Dresden Room weren't deleted.

I'll always have memories. they are lovely. but they will die with me. I know now that there is evidence of Ava in her tux the nite I kissd her hand. & I still hope those other moments will be uncoverd & will linger.

Monterey Pop

this seminal festival happend a half century ago this weekend.

my generation will never forget this performance:



in 1980 I wrote this poem based on that footage.

JANIS AT MONTEREY

                                    13 years later

we still echo

a dead mama’s wow

& heat our ink

on your fire

                        

Judy

it's been too long ago to remember when I first saw or heard Judy Garland. I think "The Wizard of Oz" was the first film I saw. & I was totally caught up in "A Star is Born" before being a teenager. I was a diehard Judyist long before I knew I was gay. I saw her perform but once. 2 years before her death. at the Palace. a magic evening.

there was an article a while ago claiming Judy is not an icon to baby gays.  maybe they never heard this:



yesterday Facebook was full of notices of her 95th birthday. most were from gay friends & I suspect gentlemen of "a certain age." but if the young now exclude her from our history they not only are missing a rare talent they are not reading history correctly. her connection to Stonewall is part of the record.

but last nite there was something else. I was walking under a gorgeous moon from one part of town to another. I got to Arenas before my friends.  so I poppd into bars. I was delightd to see that Judy's birthday was being rememberd. bars on both sides of the street were showing clips from her films.

the street was blockd to traffic. not for a birthday celebration but for the somber business of remembering the Pulse massacre one year ago. Judy's birthday doesn't have the historic connection to what happend at Pulse to what did at Stonewall. but for someone who investigates the layers of history & makes connections I suddenly connectd her to Pulse.

it wd take a book to document Judy's role in the history of our community.  maybe someday one of the baby gays will write that book.

at Judy's new grave at Hollywood Forever

Charles Nolte (1923-2010)

it happens often. I'm searching something online & find something else which sidetracks me. today it was the famous 1951 photograph Carl Van Vechten took of this actor in costume for his greatest role -- Billy Budd.

I was first aware of Nolte via Daniel Blum who lovingly included him in Great Stars of the American Stage. it was odd because I never saw Nolte on stage & have no memory of his few film & tv appearances. but his image in the Billy Budd photos is indelible.

many years ago I saw him sitting alone in a Broadway theater before curtain time. to this day I regret not having spoken to him. I don't recall why I didn't. it might have been that I hadn't actually seem him act & simply was in love with how he lookd.

he appears to have had a long & full life. his partner for more than half a century was former child star Terence Kilburn (who made his film debut in "No Greater Glory" which featured my friend Lois Wilson).

I'd like to find that handful of Nolte performances that survive. I especially wonder if there exists a copy of the 1952 tv adaptation of his famous Billy Budd.

on the rocks

Mount San Jacinto State Park

my beautiful neighbor Estee

John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

the only time I saw him he rode thru Elyria in an open car. I was near the photographer who I believe took this picture for the student paper.

at a time when the presidency has been reduced to a joke it's heartbreaking to remember when intelligence & beauty were alive in the White House. 

every morning

I wake hoping the president is dead. instead we get another embarrassing tweet.