happy holidays

 finishd my morning jacuzzi exercises & abt to get this Xmas kicking in the pool

 interviews can be scary to do

but I think this one came out well:

http://interlitq.org/blog/2022/12/09/alex-gildzen-audio-interview-by-henry-jeannerot/?fbclid=IwAR3cOvfkIe7i6YdSfcapcLeaNlbIhg9jt3M2FjUMdn6Bsb1_x-z7QYbeMaE 

Bernadette Mayer (1945-2022)

 

Ned Rorem (1923-2022)

 I met Ned Rorem so long ago we once got drunk together. that nite is mentiond in "Swimmers Out of Water."

altho he was best known for his music my first attraction to Ned was his writing. there was a time when reading his diaries was de rigueur for the gay cognoscenti. when my name appeard in one of them I felt as if I had a brick in my own house of fame.

in an unpublishd journal I wrote:

        impressions of Ned Rorem on first meeting

        1. looks younger than his years

        2. speech defect noticeable but charming

        (& based on some 5 minutes of conversation:)

        3. appears less arrogant than anticipated

from the beginning he was honest & critical & quite the gossip.

I recall my making him a rueben sandwich & he fixing me scrambled eggs.

if I am a footnote in his life I suspect it wd be that I was the first (& perhaps only?) person to ask him to read from his diaries. that was at Kent State. I also publishd him in "A Festschrift for Djuna Barnes on Her 80th Birthday" & "My First Movie."

as often happens we lost touch over the years.

here's his contribution to "Gildzen at 50" :

Robert Hansen

 how quickly joy can turn to sorrow. abt an hour & a half after acquiring my first Anna May Wong quarter I got the devastating news that Robert Hansen died last nite.

I'm crushd. he was such a kind & generous man. he was a hero in the poetry world. his creation of Poems-for-All brought so much joy to so many. for years now he made little books which he gave to his poets for free to "scatter like seeds." naturally we calld him the Johnny Appleseed of poetry.

I thankd him often for being so supportive of my work. after a piece of mine appeard on a bench in the Palm Springs Public Arts Commission project he creatd the wee book "The Poet's Bench" from photos postd online & surprisd me with it. that was one of the sweetest gifts ever to come to me.

for years now I've been carrying a couple of his little books with me wherever I go. since I no longer have a business card I used these instead. & everyone was so happy to get one. I do believe they are my most popular publications.

 I can't imagine a world without Robert. I will miss those envelopes full of little books & always a note -- usually with his self portrait. I hope he knew how important the work he did was & how much so many poets loved him.

Anna May Wong

 

 it's not unusual to see/hear someone describd as unkempt

but

I honestly can't recall anyone being calld kempt

"Recruiting Sugar Boys"

last week I learnd 3 of my poems were rejectd by editors of an anthology in Germany. yesterday I posted on Facebook that I'd be happy to send a pdf of "The Bob Poems" to anyone who wantd it. one person responded. one.

so how do I endure the hurt of such rejection & disappointment?

I make art (that nobody wants).

"Circles" rolls to an end

 after 11 months this series is complete. I pin'd a bangle to the pocket of a white shirt which I wore to the matinee of "Titanic: The Musical." & once home I stapled it to card stock & added the final penny.

I have to admit that in these last weeks it was a challenge to continue the work because the initial excitement was gone. however after doing the ultimate piece I do feel elation that I was able to make 65 of them.

now back to "Playbill Piece" which I've neglectd of late. I suspect it'll take another year to bring that series to completion. I hope for endurance.

the story of a still

all 4 years of high school I was on the staff of the student newspaper. & for a part of that time I representd the paper on the Hi-Timers. that was a group of area student journalists brought together by the Cleveland Press for various events.

shortly before my 17th birthday I went to that paper's offices for something calld A Day at the Press. each student was assignd a staffer to follow. mine was Stan Anderson -- the paper's film critic. I remember I gave him a tip that Lila Lee was in Elyria & he calld her for a phone interview. before leaving he put down a stack of film stills & told me to take some with me. one was of George Montgomery shirtless & holding a rifle. I think it was from "Watusi."

that image joind 2 others from my boyhood. Aldo Ray in a swimsuit & Sal Mineo showering. that trifecta has been in my head all these decades. they helpd me grow into the gay man I am today.  I saw all of these men during our lives. but Montgomery was the only one with whom I actually spoke. it was my first trip to Palm Springs & by accident I encounterd him at the art museum which was exhibiting products of his careers as actor & artist.

today a friend visiting from NYC wantd to do the local cemeteries. this time I decided to bring with me that still of Montgomery which I'd had for 63 years -- one year longer than this friend has been alive. it was an emotional moment as my movie-mad boyhood danced with my developing sexuality. what a journey.

photo by David Wallace Crotty

the power of photography

 this morning my friend Lisa messaged me some photos which pop'd up in Memories on her phone. they were taken on my only trip to Disneyland. we are with our mutual friend Bob Barnes whose love of all things Disney was only matchd by his adoration for "I Love Lucy."

I had never seen these photos. they are particularly poignant because Bob was so averse to having his photo taken. but here he begins to let down his guard. he was having a great day. & he was sharing his joy with friends who cared deeply for him (even when he verged on crazy which he cd do well).

last nite I "found" some folks from my past via internet searching. I so wantd to write Bob telling him of my excitement & filling him in on some details which I knew he'd find juicy. this still happens. I continue to miss him in my life.

so seeing us being happy on that day brings me comfort. for whatever happens in my next chapter I know I already have novels of living on the shelf.

another wee book

 

because

 1) I love lists

&

2) I've reached that age in which the act of summing up is beginning to begin

here's one:

My Best Penpals (so far)

Roberta Elzey Berke

T.R. Queen

Ira Joel Haber

Richard Martin

Bob Barnes

all cut up

 

I'm delightd to be the subject of this handcut collage by Lova Delis as part of her current analog glitch series.

she didn't know it when picking background elements but that magazine ad resonates for me. "True Story" began in 1919 publishd by a company calld True Rendition. I don't recall it as clearly as I do its competition when I was growing up in the '50s. "True Confessions" was first publishd by Fawcett in 1922. & that magazine came into our house. I suspect it wasn't Mom who subscribd but her crazy sister who also "handed down" copies of "Confidential." I was much more interestd in what seemd lurid to a movie mad boy in the latter which Mom calld a "scandal magazine." however I began writing early & sought publication wherever. I have a dim memory of some sort of contest or call for entries in "True Confessions." & even tho I didn't read the magazine I think I sent something in which was publishd. what surprises me is that I have no copy of whatever it was. as far as I know my first magazine appearance was a letter to the editor in "Screen Stories" (item C1 in my bibliography). & I think that page is with my papers at Kent. perhaps my appearance in "True Confessions" soon embarrassed me enuf to dispose of it long ago along with all memory of it.

long story....... but that all came back seeing the ad Lova put beside me in her piece.

boite de serviettes

 I abhor smoking. but in my drinking days I puffd the occasional cigaret. & once —— while quite drunk —— I allowd Jonathan Williams to give me one of his cigars.

this box apparently was made in Honduras but containd 25 cigars from Nicaragua. it was Jonathan’s. he brought it on one of his Kent visits & I askd him for it.

over the years I used the box to store whatnots. but for its eternity I’ve decided to fill it with paper napkins from my travels. & as a tribute to the creative process I’m writing with my Bar Cecil pen on those napkins ——- remembering past times when I had an idea & wrote it down on a napkin.

jitney

this was the word Grandpa Gildzen used for bus.

it just poppd into my head.

I don't remember the last time it was in my head.

Louis Falco at 80

I still see that glorious body

suspended in air

or wrappd in wheels 

stopping time

dance does that

or sex or a poem

I spread fig preserves 

on boulart toast

& remember the dancer

gliding thru my guests

at a party at my lake house

for a moment time stops again

he's in mid-leap

& I'm too young to realize

how soon the curtain drops

(photo by Jack Mitchell)

finally... a smile

 with so much darkness in the land & evil in the world it's tough to be cheerful. so we must find joy where we can & celebrate it as we can.

yesterday it was announced that a local millionaire has purchasd a dying golf course a block from me & has given it to a land trust to be used as a nature preserve. there's already talk of it becoming the Central Park of Palm Springs.

so this morning -- its first full day as Prescott Preserve -- I walk the property as I have before but with a bounce in my step.

I saw "Funny Girl" in previews

 but on opening nite I went to the Winter Garden to gaggle.

in the back of my Playbill I wrote this list of celebs I saw there:

Bette Davis

Lauren Bacall & Jason Robards Jr.

Earl Wilson

Phyllis Newman & Adolph Green

Ethel Merman

Ed Sullivan

Alan Jay Lerner

Maggie Brown

Hoagy Carmichael

Sybil Burton

Johnny Ray

Thomas Dewey

Jimmy Breslin

Jerome Robbins

Tina Louise

Tom Poston

Alfred Leslie

Playbill Piece

 4 months ago was the 60th anniversary of my seeing my first Broadway show. it was "The Aspern Papers." this stage adaptation of the Henry James work featured a trio of international stars: Maurice Evans / Wendy Hiller / Francoise Rosay.

of course I saved the Playbill. as I did for every Broadway show I ever saw. at one time one cd purchase specially embossd binders to hold them. I have 16 holding some 270 programs. over the years I've spent pleasant hours going back to them. often I'll discover years later that I saw a future star in a small role. & of course they were an invaluable source for Alex in Movieland.

however I've begun my 80th year. I've lockd in a depository for my papers & a huge chunk of my art collection already has gone to its forever home. but I still have some collections which deserve preserving. I don't want to repeat the mistake I made before leaving Santa Fe. 2 different local book dealers screwd me. so I decided to turn the Playbills into an art piece. now the real work of dispersing them. like several of my serial pieces it'll take time & ingenuity. but I'm diving in.

poem of the day

 

from my book Still Marching

8 films with 8 cast members I've seen in person

 "It's a Big Country" (1951)

Keefe Brasselle

Van Johnson 

Gene Kelly

Janet Leigh

Frederic March

George Murphy

Keenan Wynn

John Ericson

"The Silver Chalice" (1954)

Paul Newman

Virginia Mayo

Jack Palance

Natalie Wood

Joseph Wiseman

E.G. Marshall

Albert Dekker

Strother Martin

"Designing Woman" (1957)

Gregory Peck

Lauren Bacall

Dolores Gray

Jesse White

Richard Deacon

May McAvoy

Max Showalter

Mario Siletti

"Marjorie Morningstar" (1958)

Natalie Wood

Gene Kelly

Carolyn Jones

Claire Trevor

Jesse White

Paul Picerni

Ruta Lee

Peter Brown

"Imitation of Life" (1959)

Lana Turner

John Gavin

Juanita Moore

Susan Kohner

Dan O'Herlihy

Troy Donahue

Ann Robinson

Jack Weston

"The Satan Bugs" (1965)

George Maharis

Anne Francis

Dana Andrews

Ed Asner

Simon Oakland

James Hong

Harold Gould

Lee Remick

"Hearts of the West" (1975)

Jeff Bridges

Donald Pleasance

Blythe Danner

Alan Arkin

Richard B. Shull

Marie Windsor

Tucker Smith

Granville Van Dusen

"The White Buffalo" (1977)

Charles Bronson

Kim Novak

Stuart Whitman

John Carradine

Ed Lauter

Martin Kove

Clifford A. Pellow

Christopher Cary

my morning Facebook posting

 

dark days

if I were younger 

I'd move to another country 

nap time

 between awake

& asleep

I hear

a mosquito

is it real?

the dark side

 we all present a face to the world. I've often been criticizd for presenting a comic mask. eyes wide & mouth open. that is part of who I am. the joyful part people expect. but every comic mask is twin to a tragic one.

Owen Masterson captures this other mask. here is the pain of heartache & betrayal   depression & death. it's not as comfortable to gaze upon but it's real.

all abt Gar

when I saw "The Underworld Story" last week I was taken by Gar Moore. altho I knew his name & rememberd stills of him in his early Italian films I wasn't familiar with his story.

so I did some snooping. I discoverd that after his Hollywood career ended in 1959 he moved to Palm Springs. he appeard as Emile in a local production of "South Pacific" but apparently kept busy writing & painting (altho I've uncoverd none of either) as well as working in architecture & interior design. sometime in the 60s he & John Morris designd a sun deck for the Charles Farrell House at the Racquet Club but it's been demolishd.

apparently Moore had quite the social life. at a 1969 fundraiser for the Chuck Connors Tournament there was a Ziegfeld Follies tribute in which he playd sheik to the harem girl of Toni Holt. (& Nelda Linsk was a chorus girl.)

I found an address on Paseo De Anza for him in an old undated phone book online.

for a time Moore was engaged to Madga Gabor. then in June 1971 the local paper reportd on a party at the new home socialite Margaret Pigott Sinek bought on Stevens. it sd they announced their marriage wd happen later in the month at her home in Winnetka IL. guests at the party included the widows of William Powell & Lew Landers. Sinek -- widow of a prominent Chicago business exec -- was a member of the board of the American Cancer Society & an arts benefactor. she was Moore's 4th wife. he had a heart attack in Palm Springs & died in Loma Linda in 1985.

I also discoverd a letter he wrote late in life from the Winnetka house in which he claims to have been on the Hollywood blacklist without knowing it. not sure how that cd be.

anyway...... he was a handsome man. when I go to estate sales in town I'll have to look out for paintings.

as I age

it seems repetition & rime become part of life. today I went to our historic Plaza Theater for an offering in a local music festival. it was Dee Dee Bridgewater & she was sublime. I first heard her at Kent State in 1973. she was young & I was young. I got to talk with her during that visit. I still remember us at the bottom of that large staircase in the Student Center but I no longer recall a single moment of our conversation. abt a year & a half later I saw her on Broadway in her Tony-winning role in "The Wiz." then on Broadway again in 1979 & yet another musical on stage in Century City in 1982. the next 2 times were jazz concerts: Albuquerque (1998) & Santa Fe (2011). & now...... today. as all of the other times I heard her she was at the top of her form. I'm not a big fan of scat singing but she is such a master my face was one big smile thruout. it's not fair to comment on a single song when she gave everything to each one. however I must mention her "Honeysuckle Rose." it was a one-act play in the middle of the show. she rivals Anita O'Day whose interpretation has long been my favorite. so the concert was memorable on its own. but the fact that I've heard Bridgewater so many memorable times in nearly a half century adds significance for me. she repeats over the years in a way I love.

(H. Les Brown photo borrowd from Facebook)

Digit Print Bookmarks

I love the creative process. this morning I had to cut a sheet of card stock to make the smaller canvases for my "Circles" series. from each sheet there remains a pair of strips. I throw nothing away because I find often even strips inspire new pieces. this morning I lookd at the longer of the excess pieces from my cutting. it's 8 1/2" x 1." my fresh eye saw a bookmark. I checkd the pile of earlier cuttings & found I had 20. a lovely number for a new project. mind began grinding. what to put on these bookmarks. stains perhaps. or stamps. or tiny heads. at one moment I was bending over. I saw my bare feet. & there it was. I'd print each toe & finger. the next step was what to use to make the digit prints. after some pondering I rememberd a long-ago gift from my dear Cynthia. a bottle of Rubinato black ink made in Italy for Cavallini & Co of San Francisco. then the real work. what seemd so easy in the thinking took much longer. & it was a bit messy. but making art often is. the actual prints vary in quality. some much better than others. but I'm happy with the result. I'll put one in "Billy's Chest." a pair will go in the career archives I've been assembling for collectors I have yet to meet. & then the remaining will find their ways into the books of others.

 

Judy Henske (1936-2022)

 

I dreamt

 I finally got an Anna May Wong quarter but it was a mistake. her name was on it but not her face. it made me sad that I didn't see her but glad that such a possible rarity wd be worth something.

but awake I know that whenever her quarter does come to me it will be worth something to me.

from the rubble comes a poem

 Caterpillar crushes red tile roof

of abandond inn

is this the casita

in which Tab & Tony

fled the paparazzi?

I observe

from across the street

as bulldozer pounds history into dust

every scoop hides whispers

but my ears are eager

to hear each story 

war

 the butchery in Ukraine continues to depress me

"Bound by Mail"

 because of the pandemic MoCa Cleveland turnd their exhibition "Bound" into a book. & I'm honord to have a book of mine in the "exhibit." yes.... you can still order it. so when you go to the Crisis Chronicles Press website you can order both the opening installment of my epic Alex in Movieland as well as the new book carrying the name of this blog.

when a blog begets a book

 

(Crisis Chronicles Press)

60 years

 to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the first time a poem of mine appeard in print Crisis Chronicles Press is publishing a collection culld from this very blog.

Arroyo Chamisa 

every day I'm thankful to be able to create. & over all these decades I'm humbled that so many editors & publishers have brought my work to the public.

it's been a hell of a ride . . . .

wartime lunch

 yesterday -- before the invasion began -- a wag postd on social media "make pierogies not war."  I thot it was cute but silly given the gravity of what's happening.

this morning with all the news of madman Putin's war it kept popping into my head. & each time I dismissd it -- until I got this flood of memories abt the Ukrainian part of my heritage. yes... pierogies are a theme in my childhood. I still recall the eve of Orthodox Xmas the women of the family in my grandparents' kitchen making & rolling & cutting & stuffing dough. I remember the cousins sitting at the kids' table seeing who cd eat the most. & I continue to love pierogies as much for remembrance as for taste.

so on this first day of the war this was my lunch:

poem (made from photo caption found online)

 Robert Mitchum

washing dishes

at Chateau Marmont

Cynthia Mayer Pramuk (1943-2022)

 

I've just learnd of the death of my dear friend. 

the earliest poem I wrote for her was in 1964. a love poem which began "Her black hair flying..." just as it will always be in this portrait by our mutual friend Mike Chikiris.

a half century ago I wrote in The Year Book "7 memories of Cynthia."

she has always been part of my work. & even tho I haven't seen her in over a decade she will always be in my heart.

(she calld this "our best photo" together)

doula(la) de doula(la)

 one

helps with birthing

another

with dying

readers

 I write for myself. but I also publish. which means I hope that someone else reads my work. in a few months it'll be 60 years since I publishd my first poem. & then there have been all the books. I rarely get reviewd & none of my works have been a bestseller. so I don't know if anyone cares if I write or not.

I postd a link to my last blog entry on Facebook. a man from Charleston SC by the name of Jerry Evans left this response:

    I discovered this book many years ago. It changed the way I journal. Thank you for this enduring gift.

I was overwhelmd. to receive this is heartwarming. it reminds me of a scene Ingrid Bergman had in "Inn of the Sixth Happiness." 

Jen-Ai: I am not attractive in that way. 

Capt. Lin Nan: Jen-Ai, don't you know you're beautiful? 

Jen-Ai: Once in her life, every woman should have that said to her. I thank you for being the one who said it to me.

thank you Jerry Evans.

a half century

 so hard to believe that I startd writing The Year Book 50 years ago. it began in my house in Twin Lakes. the 2 floors were connected by a spiral staircase I named after my favorite novelist at that time.

Richard Grossinger publishd the book in 1974. I believe the only review came from Ian Young who calld it "banal." & a colleague in the English Dept told me to my face that it was "a piece of shit." well...... he's dead & the book lives on as a document in gay history. World Cat lists copies in 40 libraries in the US & UK & the Netherlands. several rare book stores have copies for sale.

some day I hope to see the book reprintd with the chapbook that came first -- Dec. '70:Ohio -- & the one that followd  -- Swimming -- under the title The Verse Journals of Alex Gildzen